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Relationships and self-worth

Dating anxiety: why dating feels scary and how to cope

Dating anxiety is nervousness or fear around dating: worrying that you will be judged or rejected, and feeling on edge with someone you like[1]. It is not a diagnosis, and many people feel it. Small, gradual steps, kinder self-talk and, if it is holding you back, therapy can help[2].

By the Bliss Therapy editorial teamReviewed by the Bliss Therapy clinical team11 min read
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Key takeaways

  • Dating anxiety is a common pattern, not a medical diagnosis. It is mostly about fear of being judged or rejected by someone you like.
  • It is related to social anxiety but not the same thing. If the fear spreads to many situations, lasts months and gets in the way of your life, talk to a professional.
  • The best-tested steps are borrowed from CBT for social anxiety: question your predictions, build up gradually, drop safety behaviours and focus on the other person.
  • Some unease on a date is nerves. Jealousy, control, pressure or feeling afraid are red flags about their behaviour, not anxiety.
  • Dating in a new country can bring its own pressures. On Bliss Therapy you can see a therapist who speaks your language, with no waitlist.

What is dating anxiety?

In everyday words: worrying they will judge you, feeling on edge with them, and feeling awkward in a mixed group. The same three parts show up in young adults, not just teens[3]. And it does not only affect single people. In a study of Polish adults in their twenties, people in relationships reported as much dating anxiety as single people[4].

It overlaps with social anxiety, but it is not the same. In a study of 757 high-school students, dating anxiety predicted whether they were dating even after general social anxiety was taken into account[1]. We found no reliable figure for how many adults have dating anxiety, so we will not give you one.

Signs of dating anxiety

These are the patterns many people describe:

  • Worrying before a date that they will judge you or find you boring[1]
  • Reading a slow reply or a neutral tone as a sign they have lost interest[5]
  • Going over every message, again and again[6]
  • Physical nerves before or during a date
  • Dreading dates, putting them off or cancelling at the last minute
  • Replaying the date afterwards and focusing on what went wrong[7]

Why dating can feel so scary

Dating means being openly weighed up by someone you like, so fear of rejection is central. Some people are more “rejection sensitive”: they tend to “anxiously expect, readily perceive, and overreact to” rejection, and they see it in ambiguous behaviour[5]. Across 75 studies, rejection sensitivity was linked with more anxiety, depression and loneliness[8], and it goes hand in hand with rumination[6]. These are links, not proof that one causes the other.

Other things play a part too. In UK studies of young adults, a more negative body image went with more dating anxiety[9]. Caring a lot about your appearance was also linked with it, partly through worry about being rejected for how you look[10]. Teens with fewer friends of another sex, or who had never had a romantic relationship, reported more dating anxiety[11]. And how secure you feel with partners can shift with your recent relationships and experiences[12]. If a past relationship was frightening or abusive, see the safety section below. If body image is part of it, our page on therapy for self-esteem may help.

How to overcome dating anxiety: 7 steps

Very little research has tested treatments for dating anxiety itself. One small trial from 1988 found CBT did no better than a convincing placebo[13]. So most of these steps are borrowed from CBT for social anxiety, which has much stronger evidence[14]. Each step says where it comes from. For the full CBT model, see our guide to social anxiety.

1. Catch the prediction and question it

Notice the thought: “they’ll find me boring”, or “they haven’t replied, so it’s over”. Then check it. NHS self-help suggests asking “Is there any evidence against this thought?” and what you would say to a friend, and reminds you that “thoughts are not facts”[15]. Affirmations are not a good substitute: in one study, people with low self-esteem who repeated “I’m a lovable person” felt worse[16].Evidence: a core part of CBT for social anxiety; as a stand-alone tip, NHS advice.

2. Build up gradually

Rank situations by how hard they feel, start with the easiest and repeat it until the anxiety eases. “It’s important not to leave too big a gap between your attempts”[15]. For dating, that might mean messaging, then a video call, then a short coffee, then a longer date. In a large review of social anxiety treatments, exposure and social skills training helped more than being on a waiting list[17].Evidence: strong for exposure-based CBT. The dating ladder is our example.

3. Drop your safety behaviours

Safety behaviours are the things you do to get through: scripted questions, hiding behind your phone, checking your appearance over and over, a drink for courage. They feel protective, but they stop you finding out that you would have been fine without them, which keeps anxiety going[18]. UK guidance notes that alcohol or drug misuse “is often an attempt to reduce anxiety in social situations”[14].Evidence: moderate, from social anxiety research.

4. Be curious about them, not focused on yourself

During the date, the NHS suggests you “try to focus on what people are saying rather than just assuming the worst”[19]. Watching yourself closely can stop you noticing the signs that things are going fine[20]. Ask open questions and listen to the answers.Evidence: moderate, from social anxiety research.

5. Don’t over-script

“Try not to rehearse what to say and do in detail before social events”, and “Don’t worry too much if there are silences”[15]. A rough idea of a few topics is enough.Evidence: NHS self-help advice, based on social anxiety research.

6. Settle your body

Slow breathing before you go in can take the edge off. NHS advice for panic, the most intense kind of anxiety, is to “breathe slowly and deeply”[21]. But relaxation is a support, not the main fix: in a trial for social anxiety disorder, 84% of people who had cognitive therapy no longer met the criteria, compared with 42% after exposure plus relaxation training[22].Evidence: NHS advice; preliminary as a stand-alone fix.

7. Be kind to yourself afterwards

Researchers call replaying a social event “post-event processing”[7]. Rather than replaying only the awkward moments, look at what actually happened, including what went well. Being kinder to yourself is linked with lower dating anxiety[10], and in small trials with students, self-compassion programmes reduced anxiety[23]. Expect setbacks, and “Try not to give up”[15].Evidence: moderate. The links are consistent, but the trials are small.

If you get stuck in loops about messages, our post on how to stop overthinking has more.

First date anxiety: before, during and after

No research looks at first-date anxiety on its own. This is common practical advice, with the evidence noted where there is some.

Before

  • Pick a short, low-pressure plan, such as a coffee or a walk.
  • Meet somewhere busy, in daylight if you can, and share your plans or location with a friend[24].
  • Write down the prediction you are most worried about, so you can check it afterwards[14].

During

  • Ask open questions and listen[19].
  • Do not worry too much about silences[15].
  • Skip the extra drinks for courage[14].

After

  • Avoid a full replay. Write down one thing that went fine[7].
  • Do not read a slow reply as a verdict. In one set of studies, people who had been ghosted underestimated how bad the other person felt about not replying[25]. Nobody can know why one person went quiet.
  • One date not working out is not a verdict on your worth.

Anxiety in a new relationship

Uncertainty at the start of a relationship is normal. Attachment research helps explain why it feels stronger for some people. Attachment anxiety is the degree to which you worry “that a partner will not be available and responsive in times of need”. People higher in it tend to seek closeness and reassurance intensely while doubting they will get it[12]. These are dimensions, not boxes: everyone sits somewhere on them.

Across 73 studies, higher attachment anxiety went with more conflict and lower relationship quality on average[26]. People who expect rejection can also read it into a new partner’s thoughtless moments[5]. That does not doom a relationship. Attachment style “can change, subtly or dramatically, depending on current context, recent experiences, and recent relationships”[12]. A partner’s reassurance can help in the moment, but lasting change may depend on working on how you see yourself[27].

Feeling close can itself bring anxiety for some people. In one small diary study of people with social anxiety disorder, days when they felt more love were followed by more anxiety the next day[28]. There is no set timeline for how long new-relationship anxiety lasts. If it is not easing, or it is hurting the relationship, it is worth talking to someone. If you tend to pull away rather than seek closeness, our post on hyper-independence may help.

Dating apps and anxiety

About 3 in 10 US adults have used a dating site or app, including about half of under-30s (53%). One in ten partnered adults met their partner that way, and one in five of those under 30. Among recent users, 55% sometimes or often felt insecure about how many messages they got, and 36% felt overwhelmed (Pew Research Center survey of US adults, 2022)[29].

Across 27 studies, app use had small-to-moderate links with distress and body-image worries, but no clear link with general wellbeing. There is little long-term research, and the reviewers say “mechanisms cannot be inferred from available evidence”[30]. In other words, apps are linked with these problems but not shown to cause them. In one experiment with a simulated app, people with more social anxiety felt worse after getting few matches, and said they were less likely to message their matches[31].

Some practical habits (common advice, not tested in trials): notice how you feel after a session, take breaks when swiping leaves you low, and do not read a low match count as a judgement of your worth.

Dating in a new country or across cultures

Little research looks at this. Qualitative studies of online dating mostly involve young, well-educated people from ethnic majorities in Western countries[32]. What many people describe is real, though: different dating norms and pace, flirting in a second language, family expectations back home, and being far from the friends you would usually debrief with.

On average, migrants report a little more loneliness than people who have not moved, though the difference is small[33]. In interviews, couples in intercultural relationships described family or friends not accepting the relationship, different cultural norms, and communicating in a language that is neither partner’s first[34]. There is an upside: sharing your cultures and talking about the differences is linked with feeling the relationship helps you grow, and with relationship quality[35]. Even dating anxiety questionnaires behave a little differently across countries, a reminder that “normal” in dating varies[3].

Many people find it easier to say what they really feel in their own language. UK guidance for generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) says: “Consider providing all interventions in the preferred language of the person with GAD if possible”[36]. On Bliss Therapy you choose a therapist who speaks your language, by video, with no waitlist. See our pages on therapy for expats and loneliness.

Could it be social anxiety?

Dating is one of the situations NIMH names for social anxiety disorder, where a person “feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating”. For a diagnosis, the feelings “must last at least 6 months and interfere with daily life”[2]. It may be more than dating nerves if:

  • the fear shows up in lots of social situations, not just dates
  • it has lasted six months or more
  • it stops you doing things you want to do, at work, with friends or in dating

Many people with dating nerves do not have the disorder. And in a small diary study, people with social anxiety disorder went on as many dates and used apps as much as others, but found the dates more negative[37]. Social anxiety disorder is treatable. Our social anxiety guide covers the symptoms, causes and treatment in full.

Staying safe: is it anxiety or a red flag?

When you meet someone from an app, choose a place with lots of people around, meet in daylight if you can, and share your location with friends[24]. Never send money or gifts to someone you have not met in person. The US Federal Trade Commission warns that romance scammers often say they cannot meet, then ask for money and tell you how to pay. If that happens, stop contact[38]. In a 2022 US survey, about half of people who had used dating sites or apps (52%) said they had come across someone they thought was trying to scam them[29].

Anxiety is usually about you: “will they like me?”, “did I say something wrong?”. Red flags are about their behaviour. Warning signs of a controlling or abusive partner include[39][40]:

  • extreme jealousy of your friends or time apart
  • trying to cut you off from friends and family
  • insulting, putting down or shaming you
  • checking your phone, social media or location
  • telling you what to wear, who to see or where to go
  • pressuring you into sex
  • making you feel afraid

The US National Domestic Violence Hotline says “many abusive people appear like ideal partners in the early stages of a relationship”, and that “even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present”[39]. The NHS adds that abuse is “always about having power and control over you”[40]. If you have moved country, control can also look like withholding your passport or visa, stopping you learning the language or making friends, or threatening to report you to immigration[41].

Can therapy help with dating anxiety?

It can, especially if dating anxiety is stopping you from dating, making dates miserable, or part of wider social anxiety. UK guidance recommends individual CBT developed specifically for social anxiety disorder[14], and a large review found it the best first treatment for social anxiety disorder[17]. It works by video too: in one trial, 57% of people who had CBT by video no longer met the criteria for social anxiety disorder[42]. NIMH says therapy “can be effective when delivered in person or virtually via telehealth”, and that there is “a growing body of research” for acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)[2]. A therapist can also offer the steady, secure relationship that attachment researchers think may help, though they call that evidence preliminary[12].

On Bliss Therapy you choose a therapist who speaks your language, by video, with no waitlist. 45 psychologists and counsellors list relationships, with sessions from €30 (about £25); 36 of them list CBT.

Therapists for relationships

45 therapists on Bliss Therapy list this. Sessions are 50 minutes by video, and you pay per session.

See all 45 therapists

Our therapists are based outside the UK and the US, so they are unlikely to be on UK registers or covered by US health insurance. Ask any therapist about their training and their registration in the country where they practise.

When to get help

Nerves before a date are normal. Talk to a doctor or therapist if:

  • the fear has lasted months and shows up in many social situations[2]
  • you avoid dating, or other things you want to do, because of it[19]
  • you rely on alcohol or drugs to get through. That should not stop you getting help[14]
  • you get sudden surges of intense fear, with a racing heart, breathlessness or a sense of dread[21]

Those surges may be panic attacks. “Most panic attacks last between 5 and 20 minutes”, and although they are frightening, they are not dangerous. But the same symptoms can have other causes, so get chest pain or breathlessness checked by a doctor[21]. If you are not sure how anxious you are, our free anxiety self-test can show whether to talk to someone.

In the UK, see a GP. In England, adults can also refer themselves to NHS talking therapies[19]. In the US, talk to a health care provider, such as your primary care doctor[2]. You do not need to wait until it gets worse.

Questions people ask

What are the signs and symptoms of dating anxiety?

Worrying you will be judged or rejected, feeling on edge with a date[1], reading meaning into slow replies[5], avoiding dates, and replaying them afterwards[7]. It is not a diagnosis.

What are the common causes of dating anxiety?

Fear of rejection is central. Rejection sensitivity[5], body-image worries[9], less dating experience[11] and social anxiety[2] are all linked with it. These are links, not proven causes.

How can someone manage dating anxiety?

Question anxious predictions, build up gradually, drop safety behaviours, focus on the other person and be kind to yourself afterwards. Most of these come from CBT for social anxiety[14][15].

When should someone seek professional help for dating anxiety?

If the fear has lasted months, shows up in many situations or gets in the way of your life[2], if you rely on alcohol to cope, or if you have panic attacks. If you are afraid of a partner, use the safety numbers above.

How long does new relationship anxiety last?

There is no set timeline, and no research gives one. Attachment patterns can change with new experiences[12]. If it is not easing, or it is affecting the relationship, talk to someone.

Keep reading

Sources and how we checked (42)

On 30 October 2026 we read the guidance, the NHS, NIMH, police, hotline and government pages, the Pew survey and the research summaries (abstracts) listed below. There is little research on dating anxiety in adults, so where a step is borrowed from social anxiety research, or the evidence is small or only shows a link, we say so. Bliss Therapy figures are read from our directory when this page loads, for psychologists and counsellors who list relationships.

  1. Glickman AR, La Greca AM. The Dating Anxiety Scale for Adolescents: scale development and associations with adolescent functioning. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 2004 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  2. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Social Anxiety Disorder: What You Need to Know” (revised 2025)
  3. Adamczyk K, et al. Psychometric analysis of the Dating Anxiety Scale for Adolescents in samples of Polish and U.S. young adults. Assessment, 2022 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  4. Adamczyk K, Segrin C. The mediating role of romantic desolation and dating anxiety in the association between interpersonal competence and life satisfaction among Polish young adults. Journal of Adult Development, 2016 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  5. Downey G, Feldman SI. Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1996 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  6. Stewart LC, Sorid SD, Olino TM. Rumination and rejection sensitivity: a meta-analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 2026 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  7. Brozovich F, Heimberg RG. An analysis of post-event processing in social anxiety disorder. Clinical Psychology Review, 2008 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  8. Gao S, et al. Associations between rejection sensitivity and mental health outcomes: a meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 2017 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  9. Swami V, Robinson C, Furnham A. Associations between body image, social physique anxiety, and dating anxiety in heterosexual emerging adults. Body Image, 2021 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  10. Swami V, Barron D, Furnham A. Appearance orientation and dating anxiety in emerging adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2022 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  11. La Greca AM, Mackey ER. Adolescents’ anxiety in dating situations: the potential role of friends and romantic partners. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 2007 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  12. Mikulincer M, Shaver PR. An attachment perspective on psychopathology. World Psychiatry, 2012 (full text read 30 October 2026)
  13. Neumann KF, et al. Placebo effects in the treatment of male dating anxiety. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 1988 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  14. NICE, “Social anxiety disorder: recognition, assessment and treatment” (CG159), recommendations (published 22 May 2013)
  15. NHS inform, “Social anxiety self-help guide” (opened 30 October 2026)
  16. Wood JV, Perunovic WQ, Lee JW. Positive self-statements: power for some, peril for others. Psychological Science, 2009 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  17. Mayo-Wilson E, et al. Psychological and pharmacological interventions for social anxiety disorder in adults: a systematic review and network meta-analysis. Lancet Psychiatry, 2014 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  18. Piccirillo ML, Taylor Dryman M, Heimberg RG. Safety behaviors in adults with social anxiety: review and future directions. Behavior Therapy, 2016 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  19. NHS, “Social anxiety (social phobia)” (page last reviewed 17 May 2023)
  20. Spurr JM, Stopa L. Self-focused attention in social phobia and social anxiety. Clinical Psychology Review, 2002 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  21. NHS, “Panic disorder” (page last reviewed 22 August 2023)
  22. Clark DM, et al. Cognitive therapy versus exposure and applied relaxation in social phobia: a randomized controlled trial. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 2006 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  23. Sobhaninia M, et al. The role of self-compassion interventions in reducing anxiety and depression among university students: a systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 2026 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  24. Victoria Police, “Safety tips when meeting someone from online” (updated 17 April 2025; opened 30 October 2026)
  25. Li S, Zheng C, Schroeder J. The pain of ghosting? People underestimate how bad their conversation partners feel about not responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2026 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  26. Li T, Chan DK-S. How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: a meta-analytic review. European Journal of Social Psychology, 2012 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  27. Arriaga XB, Kumashiro M. Walking a security tightrope: relationship-induced changes in attachment security. Current Opinion in Psychology, 2019 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  28. Lazarovich H, Oren-Yagoda R, Aderka IM. Love is a losing game: the experience of romantic love in social anxiety disorder. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 2026 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  29. Vogels EA, McClain C. Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center, 2 February 2023 (survey of US adults, July 2022) (opened 30 October 2026)
  30. Cela H, Wood G. A systematic review and meta-analysis of the mental health correlates of swiping-based dating app use. Communications Psychology, 2026 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  31. Lenton-Brym AP, et al. Negative affect following dating application use is predicted by social anxiety symptoms and match rate. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 2024 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  32. Diesen PS, Pettersen L, Karlsen F. The overlooked and the overstudied: a scoping review of qualitative research on online dating. Behavioral Sciences, 2025 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  33. Martín-María N, et al. Loneliness in migrants: are there differences compared to non-migrants? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Social Science & Medicine, 2026 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  34. Mayer CH. Challenges and coping of couples in intercultural romantic love relationships. International Review of Psychiatry, 2023 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  35. West AL, et al. Growing together through our cultural differences: self-expansion in intercultural romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2024 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  36. NICE, “Generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder in adults: management” (CG113), recommendations (last updated 15 June 2020)
  37. Shechter Strulov T, Aderka IM. Dating in social anxiety disorder: a daily diary study. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 2024 (abstract read 30 October 2026)
  38. US Federal Trade Commission, “What To Know About Romance Scams” (August 2022; text read 30 October 2026)
  39. National Domestic Violence Hotline (US), “Warning Signs of Abuse” (opened 30 October 2026)
  40. NHS, “Domestic violence and abuse” (page last reviewed 23 June 2026)
  41. UK Home Office, “Controlling or coercive behaviour: statutory guidance framework” (England and Wales) (updated 27 July 2023; opened 30 October 2026)
  42. Winter HR, Norton AR, Wootton BM. Videoconferencing-delivered cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety disorder: a randomised controlled trial. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 2026 (abstract read 30 October 2026)