How to stop people-pleasing: 9 steps that help

How do I stop being a people-pleaser? 9 steps

The NHS notes that people with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes, even when they do not want to^[2]. These steps help you change that habit gradually. The phrases are suggestions: change the words until they sound like you.

Assertiveness can be learned. A review calls assertiveness training a useful treatment for many kinds of problems^[10], and in one small trial, nurses who took an assertiveness course became more assertive and less stressed^[11].

What does it mean to be a people-pleaser?

The difference is not how kind you are, but whether you leave yourself out: healthy caring does not come with the same negative view of yourself or need for others to tell you that you are OK^[3]. In one study of over 2,000 students, people with stronger people-pleasing tendencies had lower mental well-being^[12].

Signs you might be a people-pleaser

There is no official checklist. Researchers describe people-pleasing in thoughts, actions and feelings^[12], and these are common signs:

• Thoughts: “If I say no, they will be upset with me”; feeling OK about yourself only when others approve^[3].
• Actions: saying yes when you want to say no^[2], giving in to avoid tension^[13], apologising a lot, and rarely asking for help^[9].
• Feelings: relief when others are happy, then tiredness or resentment, and anger you keep to yourself.

Why am I a people-pleaser?

There is no single cause, and no study has shown what causes people-pleasing as such. Research on related patterns points to several possible roots:

• Love that felt conditional. Students who felt their parents’ approval depended on doing what was expected reported more swings in self-esteem and more resentment^[14].
• Looking after a parent as a child. Taking on adult responsibilities in childhood has a small but consistent link with later mental health problems^[15].
• Fear of being judged. The same fear that drives social anxiety can drive pleasing^[5].
• Gender expectations. The self-neglecting kind of caring is more common among women, though it is linked with poorer outcomes for both women and men^[16].
• Family and culture. Norms about harmony, respect and asking for help differ between families and cultures. In one review, some groups were more reluctant to ask close others for support openly, because they worried about the effect on the relationship^[17]. A strong sense of family duty is not the problem in itself: it has been linked with better well-being^[18]. The trouble is losing yourself entirely.

Is people-pleasing a trauma response? (the fawn response)

Psychotherapist Pete Walker named the “fawn” response in 2003, as a fourth response to trauma alongside fight, flight and freeze: staying safe by pleasing or appeasing others^[19]. Many therapists find the idea useful, but it has not been tested as a research measure, and researchers describe fawning as “underdeveloped and understudied”^[20]. Not all people-pleasing is a trauma response. For some people, it began as a way to stay safe; for many others, it is a learned habit.

What does people-pleasing cost you?

The NHS warns that always saying yes risks leaving you “overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed”^[2]. Over years, putting others first at your own expense is linked with poorer psychological adjustment^[21]. At work, having to show feelings you do not have is clearly linked with poorer well-being, including exhaustion^[22], and people who put others first tend to give more away in negotiations^[13]. Interestingly, in one study of couples over 7 years, this way of giving did not harm relationship satisfaction^[23]: the cost tends to fall on the person doing the pleasing.

People-pleasing, family expectations and living abroad

Living abroad can add pressure: wanting to be easy to have around in a new country, feeling guilty towards family back home, and learning to say no in two cultures at once. In one small study of women who had moved to England, women described self-sacrifice, caregiving expectations and reluctance to seek support^[24]. Saying no looks different in every family and culture, which is why it helps to work on it with someone who understands yours.

What happens when you stop people-pleasing?

At first, expect guilt, and perhaps some pushback from people used to your yes. The NHS says that, for the most part, saying no does not upset relationships^[2]. Over time, many people find they have more energy and clearer, more honest relationships, but there is no study that says how long this takes.

Can therapy help with people-pleasing?

No trial has tested a therapy for people-pleasing itself. Therapy can help with the patterns behind it: fear of judgement, low self-esteem, guilt and difficulty being assertive. The NHS says talking therapies like counselling or CBT can help with low self-esteem^[2], and research shows personality traits can change during therapy, with changes that last^[25].

Culture matters too. Therapy adapted to a person’s culture works better on average, and clients who feel their therapist understands their culture tend to do better^[26][27], more than simply sharing an ethnic background with the therapist^[28]. On Bliss Therapy you choose a therapist who speaks your language, by video, with no waitlist. 46 psychologists and counsellors list self-esteem, with sessions from €30 (about £25).

Our therapists are based outside the UK and the US, so they are unlikely to be on UK registers or covered by US health insurance. Ask any therapist about their training and their registration in the country where they practise.

When to get help

Talk to a GP or a therapist if people-pleasing comes with low mood most of the day, every day, for more than 2 weeks^[29], or with a strong fear of social situations^[30].

If you are afraid of how someone will react

If you please a partner or family member because you fear what will happen if you do not, that can be a sign of abuse, which includes emotional abuse^[31]. Your safety comes before any advice about saying no. In the UK, call 999 in an emergency^[31]; in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7 on 1-800-799-7233^[32].